hi bearblog
a bit unusual but i'm moving my blogging from neocities to here, so i'm using this first post to archive previous entries i had written over there. i think neocities might work best as a gallery/image archive for me, and I get to rant and say incoherent things over here on bearblog.
10.04.2024
hii i got sick yesterday! and i did a ton of changes to my website it was really fun. and i feel like it would be a good time to make a post about something that has been going on in my life for 6 months+ now... i started taking a medication that is great for me. 10/10. but one of the side effects has been that i rarely feel hungry, and now when i eat a small or medium sized meal, i feel extremely full as if i had eaten much more than what i actually ate.
so, unintentionally, i lost some weight. it has been very uncomfortable looking in the mirror and seeing myself get smaller, and having to say no to eating tasty delicious food because my stomach is full. when i tried to look up online to see what other people on this medication were experiencing, i saw a LOT of stories that they had gained weight instead. even when i searched for my specific issue, "losing weight" only showed me complaints from patients that couldn't stay at a healthy weight while taking this drug.
but i also don't want to ask my doctor for a change to a different medication because a different drug might not be as good for me, and the side effects are unpredictable... especially considering that i'm already having a completely different experience than everyone else.
sorry i have no one to talk about this, so i thought i'd write it down here. it seems like most people i know wish they were thinner, and the few times when i opened up about this issue, the person i was talking to was jealous that i was losing weight effortlessly lol.
so... i'll try to set alarms to remind myself to eat properly, even if it's very uncomfortable. this whole thing has been making me sad, and it's crazy to think i spent most of my life without any help at all. seems like having autism always puts me in a "haha no one can help you now" position.. but it's still a lot better than it used to be. the horrors persist but so do i!!!!
25.03.2024
today I had such horrible dreams. while it is true that I went from never dreaming at all (or at least it always felt like the whole night was a blank) to having a lot of weird and creative dreams recently, I woke up today with my whole body hurting. exactly as if I had just had a really bad mental breakdown, and tbh that was exactly what the dreams were like too. nightmares about being around people I know, and I was crying and sobbing. so weird and uncomfortable and I hope it doesn't happen again.
before I went to bed, I was stressed out and trying so hard to stay awake to finish something lol, so I think it activated bad things in my brain and then I had these nightmares. very silly.